Grace4Betts: This one. . . .

I have 3 . . . they are all special . . . they are all loved - differently, and yet the same. But this one . . . she scares me. Scares me in good ways and bad ways. She is different than the other two, in more ways than she is the same.
She loves to garden, catch butterflies, paint, ride her bike, . . . as she puts it, " I don't like toys;" and she never really has.
When she was really little, my dad teased that she was going to be just like him. . . 2.5 but a lot of fun. (2.5 grade point average). We would look into the future and imagine different things for each of them . . . but this one, we didn't really have a clue.
When I was pregnant with her, Christian prayed for a cuddly baby - as our first was not a cuddly baby. Oh, but this one was. To the extreme. Not only did she always want to be held . . . she wanted to be held while I stood up.
When she was born, she had some health issues that kept her in the NICU for a week, kept me from being able to even hold her for her first few days of life, kept me scared. Over the next few years, we were in and out of the ER with more breathing issues . . . once again, she kept me scared.
This one has a look about her. A look that means I don't feel well. A look that means I'm not necessarily sick, just tired, more tired than I should be, and I just don't feel well. Once again, the fear creeps in.
This past year that we have been in Illinois, she has grown. Not up, this one is still pretty short. :) But grown in every other way possible. She received the "Most Improved" award at school. Not just for academics, but personality, self confidence . . . and trust. She has come out of her super crazy, shy shell. She is learning to trust people - though still very difficult for her. She trusts me (most of the time), but is cautious. She has come out from behind her older and younger sister's shadows and realized she is her own person. She has interests all her own. She has talents all her own. This is the one that we saw absolutely no athletic future for . . . and wouldn't you know it, she is the only one who can catch something thrown to her every time and thrived in ice skating lessons. She has an amazing ability for memorization. The scriptures she has memorized and retained this year have been fabulous. She is, you see, an amazing little girl. Someone we always knew was in there somewhere. . . somewhere deep down. And yet she scares me.
She had a rough year . . . a lot of people did. She was sick a lot. Nothing super major . . . just different flu strains, multiple times. She asked me a few months ago why she was always tired. I got scared. I've always chalked it up to her possessing a more laid back, lazy personality. But then she told me that she is always tired and that's why she comes in from playing before her sisters do. That's why at night, sometimes she doesn't even want me to sing to her - she just wants to go to sleep. A little more scared. So, we went to the doctor. Check up went well. First doctor she's been to where we didn't have to hold her down for an exam. It's like she remembered all those early years of tests, blood draws, xrays . . . but this time was better. The doctor discovered that her tonsils were really large . . . apparently something that runs in her daddy's side of the family. So, she referred us to an ENT. Upon examination, he responded, "wow, those are some really big tonsils." Something that probably has contributed to her breathing issues . . . which has contributed to her lack of sleep . . . which causes her to be tired. So, here we are 5 days away from getting her tonsils and adenoids out. She is terrified. I try to blow it off and let her know it is all routine and not a big thing . . . she'll be fine. It's just tonsils for crying out loud. I realize this. I realize it could be SO MUCH WORSE. I'm thankful it's not . . . and yet . . . I'm really scared.
When my other girls get sick, I'm sad and bummed and I care for them the best I can - but never scared. But this one. One wrong look, one wrong breath, and I'm scared. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's her early years. Maybe it's a mother's intuition. Maybe it's me being a paranoid lunatic . . . I'm hoping for the latter.
Needless to say, she is one of my 3 special specials. I love her to bits and pieces, as I do all 3 of my littles. And she scares me.
I truly know how pathetic this seems, and yet I know it plagues me. I know that I need to give this up to the Lord. So, if any of y'all think about us on Monday, the 20th of June, please say some prayers for a successful surgery and peace. That's what I am praying for. That and a little more faith. . . we have a big God, One who does not want me stressing and being fearful. He would rather I trust Him, trust Him with the best of what He has given to me.
1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
I am so thankful for "perfect love" that the Father shares with us - even when we so pathetically fear . . . continually.